Jack Human’s 5th Shorts
Short enough to reach your ankles
26.
25.
"Courage! You know nothing about courage! Have you ever been asked to take a sip from someone's drink at a picnic?"
24.
If you want children to be quiet, stop teaching them to speak.
23.
I heard if you eat the living heart taken from any creature, you take the creature's power, so I ate the heart of a bird expecting to fly but all I did was crap myself and fall down. Next time I'm going to try turkey heart instead of chicken.
22.
I hate being in a rut, so sometimes I get dressed before I take a shower.
21.
That sandwich I just ate.
I'm looking at it like, "This tuna looks like shit. Why's it THAT brown?"
Then I realized we don't have tuna so I was thinking, "Well chicken salad shouldn't look like this either. And why is the mayonnaise so thick? This is messed up. I'm not eating this."
Then as I was preparing to complain, it occurred to me that it was fluffernutter and not mayonnaise. And I'm like, "Well, what's this other stuff?"
And it hit me it is peanut-butter.
Or was peanut-butter because I ate the sandwich and, like my soul, it no longer exists.
20.
The year flies by
The day drags
19.
A documentary titled The Grey is on. It’s the true story of a jerk who prevents wolves from eating a number of savage humans because the jerk wants to eat the other humans himself in case they don’t make it to a convenience store where he can buy some M&Ms.
A decent human would just share the other humans with the goddamned wolves.
Eventually, the surviving wolves are informed that human bodies are polluted with dangerous medications, artificial chemical additives in their garbage meals, unhealthy skin lotions, and inhaled heavy carbon emissions along with tobacco and cheap methamphetamines. The surviving wolves say, “fuck this”, and signal a decent species in another solar system to come take them the hell off of earth which they determine is a planet that doesn’t deserve a capitalized name.
18.
One time when I was a cop we needed to open the door of a house quickly so I kicked it really hard. The door didn’t break open but my leg broke completely off. I picked up the leg and leaned on it like a cane and kind of hobbled back to the sidewalk where I waited for an ambulance. The other cops killed everyone inside the house and went home. But, as usual, we were at the wrong address and the ambulance never arrived for me. Three days later I died on the sidewalk.
17.
It's a really great feeling being outside and I don't feel like killing myself. I'm making an appointment with my therapist to correct that.
16.
I found a hole in my head and then fell into it.
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10.
I was taking my pants off when I suddenly realized I wasn’t wearing pants. I totally needed to get sewn back up but I realized that doctors are expensive. I considered getting a seamstress to sew my skin back on but I don’t think seamstresses even exist anymore. So I found a hooker who did the job for $25.00. I considered it a gyp but figured there was no choice. On the positive side, the hooker said she also does tire rotations for $15.00. I’m going to ask what it would cost to maybe patch up my lower body where the skin didn’t quite line up. My stupid faucet is leaking too.
9.
I think it sucks that after you die, you can’t stay in your home.
8.
It’s not true romance if someone doesn’t get stuck with the bill.
7.
Time Crime:
Time wounds all heels
Which ends in a bore
Time is stalking you!
6.
BEWITCHED:
Samantha falls in love with New York ad exec Darren Stephens who promptly attempts to coerce Sam to deny her nature and conform to his vision of what a woman should be.
She guts him with a talking bed warmer
5.
Jump Cuts Productions is pleased to announce our first foray into a weekly tv show titled “Jerked by an Angel”.
It’s the weekly story of an angel assigned to jerk people’s strings and manipulate their emotional well-being through the use of heavenly powers in order to coerce characters to conform to God’s expectations rather than trusting individuals to find their own way in an often confusing and brutal world which God created to begin with.
The audience will thrill on a weekly basis as Jump Cut Productions applies our own unique jump cut take on stories guaranteed to excite and confuse the viewer.
Thrill as a teenager on drugs drives into a dumpster and bursts into flames while an angel laughs!
Tune in or we’ll telemarket and robocall you!
4.
I recall that when I was a child, people kept their telephones attached to a wall or floorboard in order to prevent the telephones from being stolen. It was common for people to take the telephones of others because, telephones were of great value, as opposed to now when telephones are worthless and no one even cares if they lose one. From what I hear, some people prefer their phones to be stolen now due to the relentless and needless interruption of their daily lives.
3.
Join me in hating Google.
2.
A crazy crackhead broad is trying to sell her baby for $5,000.00 on the television show “In the Heat of the Night”. The broad’s boyfriend wants $500.00. The baby just wants clean diapers.
They probably should check the market to see what price they should be charging.
I saw a sign about human trafficking in the emergency room at the hospital but it didn’t say where to find a dealer.
1.
Why make eggs the old fashioned way relying on a stupid chicken when you can lay your eggs yourself?
