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Pentagon vows to probe Saddam photos

                        Saturday, May 21, 2005

 

A headline of a story on the www.cnn.com world site proudly declares:

                        "Pentagon vows to probe Saddam photos"

 

The story revolves around the location at Latitude 33.339, Longitude 44.394, Elevation 41 m, Baghdad, Iraq, Asia, Eastern Hemisphere, Earth, Milky Way, Universe.   And approximately, this many people care about it: 6.

   According to the CNN website, the U.S. military says it will "aggressively investigate" how photographs of Saddam Hussein in captivity including one of the deposed leader in his underwear -- were released to a London tabloid.

Senior U.S. military sources followed this statement by declaring that the military did not give photos to The Sun -- nor would they give them to The Moon.   The release of the photos is proving to be more embarrassing and humiliating to the U.S. Military authorities than it is to Saddam since he's not the one who allowed the incident to occur.

Captain Fierce Bragg, who often associates with the notably evil Hussein when the captain's duties compel him to give Hussein a sponge bath and the excellent dye job that Saddam receives for his beautifully quaffed hair, has this to say,

   "I don't understand how a picture of Saddam (he allows me to call him Saddam) in his underwear could possibly have been taken inside of and released from this prison.   We've been probing and searching Saddam ever since the capture and we've never even seen his underwear.   We thought it would take us several more months to determine if he was wearing any underwear at all."

   "Whoever did this," Captain Bragg continued saying, "has undermined the faith that people have in the U.S. military.   They have made us all look like fools, except for Corporal Evans who refuses to wear the hat with the bells on it.    When Saddam hears this, he will be angry."

    The following day, Captain Bragg sent Private 1st Class William Peasley into the cell to inform Hussein of this latest disgrace to the image he carefully cultivated for himself over the past 3 or 4 decades.   An informant, I mean, source, claimed that Peasley was chosen because Peasley was considered expendable due to the impending date of his rotation out of service in Iraq.

The article at CNN states that According to the tabloid, U.S. "military sources said they handed over the photos in the hope of dealing a body blow to the resistance in Iraq."

There are several reasons to consider the motives that the military sources stated are not only doubtful, but full of jelly.

1.   The resistance in Iraq doesn't fight for Saddam Hussein.

2.   The resistance, like many of us across the globe, have been exposed to images that show Iraqis being far more degraded under the care of American and British soldiers than old man Hussein is in the pictures of him in his underwear. So why would that stir them up or bring them down?

3.   Now that the Iraqi insurgents have seen the picture of Saddam, they have become excited over the possibilities of getting their whites as white as the tighty whities worn by their former dictator. There's nothing more compelling to a fiendish pack of murderers than the thought of having the most perfect laundry in existence. If anything, rather than packing it in, the resistance will be energized into doubling their efforts to achieve the technology to attain true whititivity in their clothing and in their bedrolls.

4.   It is possible that the subject of the photos is not Saddam Hussein. Maybe the pictures were of the underwear itself and Sadman Hussein just by accident happened to be wearing them while the governments and media of the world had the underwear under surveillance.

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Dopey Gags 2

DINNER MUSIC FOR TORTURERS

DINNER MUSIC FOR TORTURERS

by Dick Dribble / Stolen from J. Civil and R. Kahler

I tried submitting this idea somewhere but got no response. There's room for some gags to be added. Perhaps literally. Music that is referenced for play is accompanied by links. The music was favored by monsters who used torture and can be confirmed with internet searches.

          DINNER MUSIC FOR TORTURERS

          by J.Civil and R. Kahler

                            
                              SALESMAN

                    Are you tense? Nervous? You can't
                    relax? Well, consider that all in
                    the past!   If you work in the
                    interrogation industry, Brutal
                    Records has something special just
                    for you with our new release of
                    "Dinner Music for Torturers". Work
                    in today's stressful interrogation
                    environment can be overwhelming. As
                    a special interrogator, you have
                    earned the right to relax and
                    unwind. We understand completely
                    and have built this compilation
                    especially for you.   Imagine
                    you're crushing a man's spirit and
                    your boss stops you because you
                    have to be at yet another
                    god-damned meeting. At the meeting,
                    all you have on your mind is, 'how
                    are you going to shove those
                    testicles into the victim's eye
                    sockets?' You might start
                    stressing, but don't worry because
                    we have the answer to that problem.
                      Let's begin with "Tshay'zandla
                    (Rovai Maoko)" by the The Born Free
                    Crew, "Fuck Your God" by Deicide,
                    and this song by Bedřich Smetana,
                    "Dance of the Comedians".

         http://www.archive.org/details/SmetanaBarteredBrideDanceOfTheComediansormandy
         swells slightly so audience can hear it better.  Then recedes.

                              SALESMAN
                    Statistics show that a percentage
                    of interrogators accidentally kill
                    their children while beating them.
                    Brutal Records recognizes this
                    undesirable outcome to what should
                    be a joyful time for you. We've
                    consulted with the world's best
                    Psy-Ops professionals who have
                    determined that an interrogator who
                    is less stressed is more likely to
                    leave their child alive after
                    beating her.   To help you not take
                    your work home with you, "Dinner
                    Music for Torturers" has "... Baby
                    One More Time", by the greatest
                    performance artist of our time,
                    Britney Spears, "Die Walküre (Ride
                    of the Valkyrie)" by Richard
                    Wagner, and "Suliko" as sung by The
                    Red Army Choir.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rx0QGKrmAI "Suliko" as sung
          by The Red Army Choir swells and recedes.

                              SALESMAN
                    Have you ever killed your captive
                    before you got them to talk? Then
                    you no doubt had to listen to your
                    desk jockey boss lecture you on
                    restraint when all you did was go
                    overboard with the waterboard.
                    Well, why go home angry? That dead
                    bastard was just a school teacher
                    anyway.   And, this music is not
                    only for the dinner table, here's a
                    song you can play in your car by
                    Charlie and his Orchestra that will
                    calm you down enough to drive home
                    without stopping to kick some dogs
                    or kill some cats.

                            
          Charlie and his Orchestra "You're Driving Me Crazy" music swells. Recedes.

          http://blogfiles.wfmu.org/KF/0511/charlie/01_-_Charlie_And_His_Orchestra_-_Youre_Driving_Me_Crazy.mp3              

CUT BEFORE the part where Charlie starts cracking on Jews. (Charlie was a jerk)
                  
                              SALESMAN
                    This music is not chosen at
                    random. This music is specially
                    selected and tested by the most
                    debased serial killers Brutal
                    Records could find. A lot of
                    thought went into selecting the
                    exact dulcet tones required to
                    relieve the stress of a tortuous
                    day. Remember when that prisoner
                    you raped didn't even thank you?
                    Well, that's not your fault.
                    Don't take it home with you. Try
                    listening to the great Robert
                    Mugabe rap his popular hit,
                    "Diaspora". Or, better yet,
                    Beethoven's "Ninth Symphony".

          Audio sample (of Mr. Mugabe rapping is no longer available. It's still out there but probably moves around a lot)
          swells. Recedes

                              SALESMAN
                    And, please don't think this
                    special collection is only for
                    America's Central Intelligence
                    Agency. China, Russia, Zimbabwe,
                    Uzbekistan, Syria, any nation's
                    torturers will enjoy this music.
                    Brutal Records recognizes that
                    torture is not limited to specific
                    government agencies. "Dinner Music
                    for Torturers" will calm your
                    nerves if you work for the Catholic
                    Church, any Police force, as any
                    type of prison staff including
                    guards, military/paramilitary
                    personnel, or even if you work as a
                    country pop singer.   If you order
                    now, we'll add, at no extra cost, a
                    recording of "Sixteen Tons" by The
                    Red Army Choir.

          Audio http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dI9KBLb_8ro Swells,
          Recedes

                                VOICE OVER
                    Dinner Music for Torturers. Don't
                    wait until you have feces all over
                    your shirt! Order now!!
                    If it's not Brutal – it's not on
                    record!

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