by Dick Dribble / Stolen from J. Civil and R. Kahler
I
tried submitting this idea somewhere but got no response. There's room for some gags to be
added. Perhaps literally. Music that is referenced for play is
accompanied by links. The music was favored by monsters who used torture and can be confirmed with internet searches.
DINNER MUSIC FOR TORTURERS
by J.Civil and R. Kahler
SALESMAN
Are you tense? Nervous? You can't
relax? Well, consider that all in
the past! If you work in the
interrogation industry, Brutal
Records has something special just
for you with our new release of
"Dinner Music for Torturers". Work
in today's stressful interrogation
environment can be overwhelming. As
a special interrogator, you have
earned the right to relax and
unwind. We understand completely
and have built this compilation
especially for you. Imagine
you're crushing a man's spirit and
your boss stops you because you
have to be at yet another
god-damned meeting. At the meeting,
all you have on your mind is, 'how
are you going to shove those
testicles into the victim's eye
sockets?' You might start
stressing, but don't worry because
we have the answer to that problem.
Let's begin with "Tshay'zandla
(Rovai Maoko)" by the The Born Free
Crew, "Fuck Your God" by Deicide,
and this song by Bedřich Smetana,
"Dance of the Comedians".
http://www.archive.org/details/SmetanaBarteredBrideDanceOfTheComediansormandy
swells slightly so audience can hear it better. Then recedes.
SALESMAN
Statistics show that a percentage
of interrogators accidentally kill
their children while beating them.
Brutal Records recognizes this
undesirable outcome to what should
be a joyful time for you. We've
consulted with the world's best
Psy-Ops professionals who have
determined that an interrogator who
is less stressed is more likely to
leave their child alive after
beating her. To help you not take
your work home with you, "Dinner
Music for Torturers" has "... Baby
One More Time", by the greatest
performance artist of our time,
Britney Spears, "Die Walküre (Ride
of the Valkyrie)" by Richard
Wagner, and "Suliko" as sung by The
Red Army Choir.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rx0QGKrmAI "Suliko" as sung
by The Red Army Choir swells and recedes.
SALESMAN
Have you ever killed your captive
before you got them to talk? Then
you no doubt had to listen to your
desk jockey boss lecture you on
restraint when all you did was go
overboard with the waterboard.
Well, why go home angry? That dead
bastard was just a school teacher
anyway. And, this music is not
only for the dinner table, here's a
song you can play in your car by
Charlie and his Orchestra that will
calm you down enough to drive home
without stopping to kick some dogs
or kill some cats.
Charlie and his Orchestra "You're Driving Me Crazy" music swells. Recedes.
http://blogfiles.wfmu.org/KF/0511/charlie/01_-_Charlie_And_His_Orchestra_-_Youre_Driving_Me_Crazy.mp3
CUT BEFORE the part where Charlie starts cracking on Jews. (Charlie was a jerk)
SALESMAN
This music is not chosen at
random. This music is specially
selected and tested by the most
debased serial killers Brutal
Records could find. A lot of
thought went into selecting the
exact dulcet tones required to
relieve the stress of a tortuous
day. Remember when that prisoner
you raped didn't even thank you?
Well, that's not your fault.
Don't take it home with you. Try
listening to the great Robert
Mugabe rap his popular hit,
"Diaspora". Or, better yet,
Beethoven's "Ninth Symphony".
Audio sample (of Mr. Mugabe rapping is no longer available. It's still out there but probably moves around a lot)
swells. Recedes
SALESMAN
And, please don't think this
special collection is only for
America's Central Intelligence
Agency. China, Russia, Zimbabwe,
Uzbekistan, Syria, any nation's
torturers will enjoy this music.
Brutal Records recognizes that
torture is not limited to specific
government agencies. "Dinner Music
for Torturers" will calm your
nerves if you work for the Catholic
Church, any Police force, as any
type of prison staff including
guards, military/paramilitary
personnel, or even if you work as a
country pop singer. If you order
now, we'll add, at no extra cost, a
recording of "Sixteen Tons" by The
Red Army Choir.
Audio http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dI9KBLb_8ro Swells,
Recedes
VOICE OVER
Dinner Music for Torturers. Don't
wait until you have feces all over
your shirt! Order now!!
If it's not Brutal – it's not on
record!
