Suicide Insurance, real cheap, Man
Buy This Policy or I will Kick Your Dog in the Teeth
Hi, I'm not Fred Thompson, but I was once his sports jacket,
Are you lonely? Bitter? Afraid of amphibians? Call me at Suicide Insurance Incorporated. I will sell you a suicide insurance policy like no other. It's easy and it works like this: You make me the beneficiary of your life insurance policy and then I will kill you. I'll make it look like an accident and you will have nothing to fear; you'll never see it coming and I will feel no pain. What do you get out of it? By making your death look like an accident, you will not go to hell for committing suicide. If you are unfortunate enough to be married, and even more unfortunate enough to have children, I will pass on a part of my winnings, I mean, insurance money, to the surviving members of your family*. If you merely have a dog, and not a family, I will feed your dog. Sign up now. The best suicide insurance this side of military service is waiting for you.
Think about it. The world is a nasty place full of germs and foods such as onions. Your cat won't talk to you. Your doctor hates you. You're finding it more difficult to afford all the alcohol you need just to make it through breakfast. And, if all that isn't bad enough, you're best known for smelling like a goat.
So why wait? Call now. Our operators are waiting. Don't make us come for you.
* Suicide Insurance Inc. is not responsible for family members that may be hurt or killed if I decide to kill you at specific times such as dinner time, family reunions, or while driving home from the dentist.
== ADVERTISEMENT FROM SUICIDE INSURANCE INCORPORATED ==
Announcer:
Is your spouse ugly? Do armadillos follow you with bad intent? Does your mother expect you to call every Sunday? You may be in need of Suicide Insurance. If you want to kill yourself and are simply too lazy to do it, we can arrange to do it for you at a reasonable price. Once you're dead, you can rot with the satisfaction that you've had the best suicide policy available in today's market.
Are you able to kill others but not yourself? This policy already has your name on it. Simply call the number on the screen and our very friendly operators will be happy to take your call.
[Close up of an unidentified man]
Man:
"I was unable to kill myself and so I used that urge to kill others. My mother was ashamed of me, and my sister wouldn't take my calls anymore. But then, I discovered Suicide Insurance incorporated and, it didn't save my life, but it did save the lives of others. Suicide Insurance is now going to end my life and I don't have to lift a finger to do it myself. It's all in their hands now. They promised me a painless and peaceful death at a low convenient cost. Now I can truly rest in pea... AARRGGHHH! No! Help! Save me!"
Announcer:
Oh my God! How did that wolf get in here? Well, in any case, I guess that double indemnity clause for 'death by wolf' really did come in handy. Who'd of thought?
So, please call the number on the screen now and put your worries behind you!
Are you lonely? Bitter? Afraid of amphibians? Call me at Suicide Insurance Incorporated. I will sell you a suicide insurance policy like no other. It's easy and it works like this: You make me the beneficiary of your life insurance policy and then I will kill you. I'll make it look like an accident and you will have nothing to fear; you'll never see it coming and I will feel no pain. What do you get out of it? By making your death look like an accident, you will not go to hell for committing suicide. If you are unfortunate enough to be married, and even more unfortunate enough to have children, I will pass on a part of my winnings, I mean, insurance money, to the surviving members of your family*. If you merely have a dog, and not a family, I will feed your dog. Sign up now. The best suicide insurance this side of military service is waiting for you.
Think about it. The world is a nasty place full of germs and foods such as onions. Your cat won't talk to you. Your doctor hates you. You're finding it more difficult to afford all the alcohol you need just to make it through breakfast. And, if all that isn't bad enough, you're best known for smelling like a goat.
So why wait? Call now. Our operators are waiting. Don't make us come for you.
* Suicide Insurance Inc. is not responsible for family members that may be hurt or killed if I decide to kill you at specific times such as dinner time, family reunions, or while driving home from the dentist.
== ADVERTISEMENT FROM SUICIDE INSURANCE INCORPORATED ==
Announcer:
Is your spouse ugly? Do armadillos follow you with bad intent? Does your mother expect you to call every Sunday? You may be in need of Suicide Insurance. If you want to kill yourself and are simply too lazy to do it, we can arrange to do it for you at a reasonable price. Once you're dead, you can rot with the satisfaction that you've had the best suicide policy available in today's market.
Are you able to kill others but not yourself? This policy already has your name on it. Simply call the number on the screen and our very friendly operators will be happy to take your call.
[Close up of an unidentified man]
Man:
"I was unable to kill myself and so I used that urge to kill others. My mother was ashamed of me, and my sister wouldn't take my calls anymore. But then, I discovered Suicide Insurance incorporated and, it didn't save my life, but it did save the lives of others. Suicide Insurance is now going to end my life and I don't have to lift a finger to do it myself. It's all in their hands now. They promised me a painless and peaceful death at a low convenient cost. Now I can truly rest in pea... AARRGGHHH! No! Help! Save me!"
Announcer:
Oh my God! How did that wolf get in here? Well, in any case, I guess that double indemnity clause for 'death by wolf' really did come in handy. Who'd of thought?
So, please call the number on the screen now and put your worries behind you!
