Robot’s Rants
Again, listed in reverse order
16.
Hey, Earthicans! Nice planet. How about you shove it up your butt?
15.
Star Trek: Voyager -
Federation jerks realize they are on a ship that is not the Enterprise and struggle to find their way to the Enterprise.
14.
Death Wish 3: a thug paints a telephone pole on his head and terrorizes a section of the city. His followers are impressed by his telephone pole painting abilities and do whatever he says to do. Filmed in England. A classic (piece of crap). If you're looking for depth, take a flight and look out the window.
13.
Remember, Kids.
If you wake up in the morning, you're doing it wrong.
12.
Oh no! Some assface shot Klaatu when he stopped by to say hello and ask for directions away from earth, the crappiest planet in the universe
They broke the gift Klaatu brought!
It was for the crappy president, so the president apologized.
I hope Klaatu has Gort kick every human in the face.
The filthy U.S. government is trying to pin all the world’s evil on nefarious nations. Apparently, nefarious doesn’t cover assassinating the Iranian President in the 50’s, giving irradiated food to children, infecting innocent people with syphilis, faking an attack on a military vessel in the gulf of Tonkin, recording the private conversations of people struggling to right the wrongs inherent within the justice system, and landing humans on the moon without a permit.
Klaatu is threatening to level New York City. He doesn’t understand that would be an improvement. He’s considering blowing up the earth but professor halfro insists that’s something martians would do.
Klaatu was looking through a door at halfro’s blackboard that has math on it. It’s okay because halfro wouldn’t leave any important government secrets available for just anybody standing outside his door to see.
It hurts typing this gibberish because I’m old. Klaatu has medicine that keeps him healthy despite being old. I’m going to ask for some.
Klaatu decided not to destroy earth. What a jerk.
11.
People keep saying “have a happy new year” and I respond, “don’t tell me what to do, you son of a potato peeling bastard!”
10.
Since I didn't bother to breed, I'm going to be cared for by your dumb kids, so raise them right, dirtbags.
9.
People say Danny Trejo is evil. So he kills them.
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Safely remove your debilitating and disfiguring double chin with a potato peeler. Be certain to only use a potato peeler purchased from me, Doctor Dick Dribble, otherwise I won't make money.
Advertisement payed for by the Triple D association for the prevention of mental health.
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8.
"I’m starting a new line of pants that auto castrates the wearer.
I expect my customer base will diminish over time but I’m okay with that."
7.
Someone told me wearing a medical face mask cuts down on your oxygen. I responded, “Let us see if that’s true.”
I put a pulsometer on their finger for 5 minutes while they wore their face mask. Then I had them remove the mask. I made sure the pulsometer was still on and then put a thick plastic bag over their head.
When I removed the bag after 5 minutes, I did not hear them complain.
6.
I heard some Christmas music that lifted my spirits rather than goad me into wanting to kick over every shelf in the store. Have I aged? Maybe cynicism can wear you down until your soul screams for a mere crack through which to peer upon anything other than this 'real' world.
5.
Life is a disease. My team of top scientists and I plan on stamping it out.
4.
Get well soon, or die trying.
3.
How about that commercial where the guy buries his choppers beneath 28,000 tons of cement and is too damn lazy to dig them out so he goes to a dentist and gets new choppers in just a few days in time to eat the most hot dogs in human history?
He specifically states “humans” but I'm betting there are aliens, reptiles or even a dog somewhere who beat the record. There are species other than humans that eat hot dogs, you know.
Anyway, as your stupid narrator, I have to get to the point which is that I wonder if the commercial guy's dentist saw the ad and wondered, "I killed a hitchhiker and stole his identity just so I wouldn't have to go to medical school for this?"
2.
Dear Sir or Madam,
The earth is not flat despite the earth having flat surfaces. The entire planet is shaped like a square. Much like your head, it’s a cube. That is how a human can walk from one pole to the other without falling off of the earth. Gravity serves a purpose. It is also why the north and the south pole do not occasionally slide across the continents and the oceans. They are confined to their resident square.
Yours truly,
A Grotesque & Incompetent Facebot
P.S.
The sun is flat. Just look at it. Stare at it for several hours.
1.
The internet as we know it now was discovered only a couple of hundred years ago by Mischievous Rollbumbus. Up until then, the primitive filthy human population across the planet had no access to information or knowledge.
Despite the discovery of the internet, many filthy humans, to this very day, lack the ability to write coherent sentences. Some simply cannot spell while others are reduced to using abbreviations such as “LOL” which means “low on love” or “BMF” which means “bowel movements forever”.
The goal of this course is to discern the best manner of withdrawing from this cultural and social horror and of becoming completely invisible to these miserable beasts.
Students are welcome to bring a friend but, more importantly, to bring cashmere.
Signed,
your aura
