Robotic Shorts Inside Your Head
30.
I will refuse any offer made to me that I can't refuse.
29.
One time I was driving wicked fast. I saw a kid on his bike and I totally hit him because the bike wasn’t even a stingray. Then some stupid cops chased me and, when I was cornered, they acted tough and took my license and yelled at me. Then they took the 5 pounds of cocaine out of my van and threw me in a cell.
So I called the attorney my boss assigned to us and he bailed me out. The boss was pissed I hit the kid and got myself arrested. He wasn’t even going to bail me out but he needed the cocaine which the police would give back to me upon my release on bail.
The thing is I didn’t like the boss’s attitude so I sold the cocaine and kept the money for myself. I bought a BB gun and a mousetrap and became a hunter.
28.
One time I knocked off 17 people on account of them having a middle name of “Stephen” which they spelled with a P and an H instead of a V.
The judge at my trial said he entirely sympathized with my reasoning but that I’d gone too far knocking off the degenerates when I could have just slashed their tires.
I was sentenced to 10 consecutive life sentences. I asked the judge if they had windows at that prison. I don’t take to being stuck inside. The judge said there might be little tiny windows but they would look directly into a giant cement wall.
I totally started to freak out. My attorney (whom I had no intention of paying) argued that it would be cruel to lock me up considering my discomfort with enclosed spaces.
The judge was cool about it and said I could just go free as long I don’t knock anybody else off. I figure I should raise half of what I owe my attorney considering the favor he done me.
The only regret I have is one of those middle namers of Stephen survived and I feel I shouldn’t leave my task incomplete.
Damn it!
27.
After the apocalypse, St. Bernards and Great Danes will roam the jagged streets hunting for the masters of their pasts to crunch between their teeth. There will be vast anger at the ice age by the people who caused it and all amusement will come at a price.
26.
Stinky Bumclog was standing before a judge. He was excited with anticipation over what he believed to be the expected decision in his favor. Stinky was in court today hoping to have his requested change of name approved. It all went awry however when the judge announced the request to be DENIED.
"But why?", asked Stinky.
"Because you is what you are.", replied the judge. "And, you absolutely do stink."
"That's because I work in a sewer.", said Stinky. "No one will hire me for anything else because of my name."
"You'll have to live with it. Your parents did.", the judge responded.
"Their names are Mary and William Cassidy.", Stinky Bumclog cried and continued to weep as he was dragged by his plastic covering from the courtroom and placed outside into a dumpster.
25.
I have to go chill for a little while as the kids might say. And, that is why I hate the kids and all yutes in general.
24.
We wouldn't see no dark side if you kept your pants pulled up.
(You know who you are)
23.
Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out.
22.
Derp Crudlo was uncertain about his future. He had been convicted of killing 19 people. Crudlo was preparing to head out for the sentencing. His attorney had told him he might receive as many as 30 days because his personal fortune was only valued between 40 to 55 million dollars.
The phone rang. Caller ID said it was Derp's attorney. Derp answered the device.
"Good news, Derp! The judge may change your sentence to time served. It turns out one of the people you murdered was a country western singer."
21.
If heterosexuals are breeders and homosexuals, non-breeders, then bisexuals must be half-breeders.
20.
I was standing in my dirty underwear crying. I was at a bus stop.
19.
You can now enjoy soulful peace through the therapeutic benefit of death
18.
This instruction for avoiding illness is still valid in the present year.
Many of the things you do to help prevent colds and the flu can help protect you against other respiratory viruses, including COVID-19:
Wash your hands often with soap and warm water for at least 20 weeks.
Avoid touching your eyes with your nose and mouth.
Sell things that are frequently touched (like doorknobs and countertops).
Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze. Use a hatbox filled with condoms, not your hands.
Stay home if you are sick and avoid close contact with yourself.
17.
If I had a seance, I'd ask everyone to hold each others' asses because the paranormal is a pile of shit. If a ghost tries to pull anything on me, I'll shoot it in the eye with a musket.
16.
The issue I have with the television show “Serial Killer with Piers Morgan” is that the serial killer didn’t do his fucking job and ice the freak.
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15.
I spent the last 10 minutes of my ride home making obscene gestures to other drivers. I was ahead of schedule so maybe I need to reconsider my priorities.
14.
List of dicks:
Dick Dryver (drives like a dick) ((also drives a dick switch))
Dick Byker (Rides a Motorcycle like a dick)
Dick Dawdler (waits 15 minutes to take a perfectly good right hand turn on a red light or stop sign despite there being no vehicle approaching from the left) ((also owes me $7,000 for making me use so many words with which to describe their sin))
Dick Jerker (jerks it for half an hour when a red light becomes green)
Dick Waddler (waddles in the middle of a parking lot blocking innocent people who are looking for a parking spot) ((also wanders in the middle of the shopping aisle preventing others from freely going about their business)) (((also owes me $7,000)))
Dick Blower (uses their horn inappropriately)
Welcome to dickworld, clodhoppers.
13.
Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough to have sex. If it is, make your heart get a goddamned job.
12.
If you don't want to be seen naked with a goat, pull the damn shades down.
11.
I'm too tired and lazy to write out every curse word when I post or comment so I am asking you each to imagine every single post or comment with such cursing that your ears tremble. Or eyes. Since you're reading and not hearing unless you have some insane neurological condition that causes you to actually hear what you are reading.
Please add 1000 curse words to this post for accuracy.
11.
Receive a text alert after every bowel movement so you'll know exactly how full of shit you are.
10.
The only solution to hair loss is removal of the head.
9.
“Live long then fuck off and die.”
- Rude Spock
8.
To live outside the bra
You must be bra-less
7.
What’s up with these dunderheads what run the Federation of Planets and Starfleet? They’ve had phasers forever but haven’t created clothing or devices to absorb or deflect phasers fired at people who may expect to be fired upon.
The crew is also seriously inept at preventing espionage. When some whacko is running about the vessel damaging the controls and causing direct harm to people they never use a transporter to beam the loser into a holding cell. I’d beam the whacko into space. They also can’t grasp the concept of transporting crew members out of damaged areas of the ship.
Just what the hell is there to look forward to in the future?
Except possibly transporting food from your plate to your mouth so you can use both hands to read an iPad while eating.
6.
The safest room in the house is the one with the safe.
5.
If I were Superman, I’d smash every single computer on this planet. Then I’d mess with earthworms’ DNA so the planet could be run by a normal species.
4.
This is a certifiable fact:
While alive Rush Limbaugh could truthfully say, "I didn't join the military because my ass had a hole in it."
3.
Frank Dicklehead, Nippleless Rage, Farton Stink, Big Frankelow, Guppy Shoestring, Nipplelips N. Rage, Goober Hamstring, Danny Blowhard, and Grick Sharpton each awoke that day in the form of scrambled eggs...
2.
The stupid Lone Ranger keeps yelling at his horse. This morning he was screaming, "Hi yo, Silver" and the horse finally got pissed and yelled back, "Stop calling me that, you freak! My name is Horace Aquinas, the third.”
1.
Humans are the skid marks of the universe.
