Disgustions from Jack Human the Third
11.
"Name a food that makes a lot of noise when eaten."
"Live children.”
10.
Judge: “due to the amount of evidence brought against you, this court finds you guilty of murder. In accordance to the laws of this state, if you can call Kansas a state, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Now, do you have anything to say?”
Old Man: “Yes, your honor.”
Judge: “what is it?”
Old Man: “Do I have to hang until I’m dead?”
Judge: “of course you do. This is a death sentence!”
Old Man: “But, do I have to hang by the neck? I have an awful lot of neck pain as it is”
9.
"Pooh?", said Piglet.
"Yes, Piglet?", Said Pooh.
"I want to kill you."
8.
Crooks: "We didn't mean anything. Please don't hurt us, Superman!"
Superman: "Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you."
Crooks: "Wheww. Thank God"
Superman. (yells over his shoulder): "Hey, Batman, get in here, will you?"
7.
Horatio Caine to suspect: “We need to know where you were the last 24hours."
Suspect: "I was taking off my pants.”
6.
A defendant is on the stand while on trial for committing murder.
Defense attorney: “Have you ever murdered anyone.”
Defendant: “Do you mean other than myself?”
5.
30 year old male: “I’m not ready to lose my hair. I mean, really.”
God: “Then fucking strap it on, you dickwad.”
4.
Jay Bourne: "I volunteered because I thought our enemies killed my father"
Some random guy who doesn't give a damn: "So, you're saying it's all groovy if it turns out friends killed him?"
3.
Richard: "I was in my kitchen doing my dishes. I heard the doorbell. I thought it was the doorbell but I was uncertain. I mean, it SOUNDED like the doorbell but how could I be sure, after all, I thought I heard it but I didn't SEE it being rung. I pulled on my sleeves and straightened the sides of my tweed suit jacket so I would look presentable and off I went to see if there was someone at the door."
Barbara: "Do you always wear a suit when you wash the dishes?"
Richard: "I said I was doing the dishes. Who said anything about washing them?"
2.
In the apocalypse...
Man: “I’m trying to do everything I can to make sure things get better out here”
Chance encounter: “Oh? What are you doing?”
Man: “I’m killing every person I see so that there will be more zombies. Hang on a moment while I get my knife out.”
1.
Santa: "So, Joey, what do you want for Christmas?"
Joey: "I want you dead!"
Joey pulls a rod but it's a curtain rod. Santa overpowers him and slams the rod into Joey's eye far enough to kill his brain.
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Thus ends the 1st chapter of "The Christmas Dead"
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Santa: "So, Cindy, what do you want for Christmas?"
Cindy: "Your corpse!"
Cindy pulls out a ray-gun and attempts to blast Santa's face off but the ray-gun fails and Santa strangles her with his reindeer beating whip.
Santa: "They never learn. I gave her that toy last year and batteries were not included. Stupid children."
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Thus ends the 2nd chapter of "The Christmas Dead"
