Robot Fog’s 3rd Shorts
Rip included.
14.
Nick was impressively smart and had a great head on his shoulders... so I cut it off and placed it in my collection.
13.
I was examining my prostate when I dropped it.
12.
The 20th century was tough so on the evening of December 31, 1999 at 11:59:59, I traveled forward in time to the 21st century. I had forgotten my pants, however, and had to go back for them because I didn't know if there would be pants in the 21st century
11.
Captain Jean Luc Picard walked up to the front of the Enterprise bridge.
"I have an announcement I'd like to make to the bridge." he spoke in his usual clear authoritative tone.
Commander Riker, filled with concern and apprehension, responded, "What is it Captain?"
"I'm not who you think I am.", replied Picard.
Picard reached up to his face and began peeling it off. The crew was shocked. Picard continued pulling at his mask. When finished, Picard stood before the entire crew on the bridge of the Enterprise watching their faces.
They looked back and where what seemed to be their beloved captain once stood, there was now a 3 foot Pokemon with a mustache on his forehead.
10.
Men are the unwanted children of God.
9.
he said, he said, I want to take all the bread from the mouths of the fed, attach it to the mouths of the sad, is that so bad?
Is it really bad, he said, that you have to be dead to prevent pain from spilling from your head?
8.
Somebody is typing your name, No WAIT!, they have changed their mind and have backspaced. They are continuing their typing despite the dog slobbering on their leg but eventually you will see the message, No WAIT! They have changed their mind and have selected most of the text and removed it. Now they are considering writing more than the response "tell me baout it" but they realized they misspelled the word "about" and are canceling the entire comment.
If you are waiting, it's for nothing.
7.
After watching 5 billion tv crime shows explain how police can tell if a potential murder victim was drowned according to whether or not there is water present in the lungs, I started using an ice pick to jab holes in the lungs of my victims before I strangle them. This way, water will get in their lungs after I toss them in the river.
If you learned anything from this, please donate. I depend upon your donations to avoid working so I can impart great knowledge and wisdom unto you, the unknowledgeable and unwise.
6.
One time I went to the Marshal’s office and told him my name. He asked me what I wanted and I asked him if he knew Jeb Williams. The Marshal said he knew Jeb Williams. Jeb Williams had a small piece of land and grew some crops and hogs. Then he asked me if Jeb Williams had done something that he should know about. I told the Marshal no. I said I intended to kill Jeb Williams and the Marshal better stay out of my way.
Then the Marshal said, “Now look here. Let me tell you something. Jeb Williams is a hard worker. He helps people when he can and is liked around here by everybody. He’s got a wife and 5 children. It’d be 7 children but he mistook 2 of them for hogs and butchered them. You stay away from Jeb Williams or you will answer to me.”
Then I left the Marshal’s office to go kill Jeb Williams.
5.
I've finally started writing my suicide letter. My list of grievances is so long that it's going to take 40 years to finish it. That will be the happiest day of my life. Maybe I'll throw a party, but beware, if I leave the room, you may not want to wait around for me to come back.
4.
Don't do.
Do do.
Make up your fucking mind!
3.
If I had a brain, I’d beat you all with it.
2.
Picture, if you will, that you are looking upon an article headline which concerns a modern pop artist, the royal family, or any film or television entertainer...
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
1.
One time I got these 5 guys to break into a bank vault at night after disabling security. Before they started the job, I convinced 3 guys to kill the other 2 after the job was finished because we wouldn’t need those 2 anymore and we’d each have a bigger split of the loot.
After the job, all 5 guys showed up at the meeting place. When I had the 3 guys who were supposed to knock off the other 2 alone and asked why they didn’t kill the 2 guys. Their response was I didn’t tell them which 2 to kill.
