Disgustions from Jack Human the Third
14.
A doctor and an intern are walking down a hallway in the surgical wing of a hospital. The intern is feeling deeply disturbed. It was the intern’s third surgical procedure and the young intern cut a patient open to look at his heart. It turned out the heart wasn’t why the patient needed surgery. The intern hadn’t thought he should cut the patient open but another seriously dickish intern goaded him into it.
Doctor: "It was a mistake. Don’t worry about it. If it makes you feel any better, I once removed the wrong testicle."
Intern: "Was it your own?"
13.
Lieutenant Columbo is speaking with a suspect.
Kennicutt: “Listen lieutenant, my marriage to my wife might have seemed strange to an awful lot of people. My wife was young enough to be my daughter but we loved each other completely. We even considered having a child together. A child named Bix Billingsly.
Now, does that answer your question?”
Columbo: “Possibly. I’m not recalling asking that question, though.”
12.
"I’m afraid you have 10 years to live. You're going to have to quit your job"
"Seriously?"
"yes. You are going to have to spend all your time whacking it to this one playboy magazine from 1974. I'm sorry. It's all we can do for you. Anything you'd like to say?"
"Yes. I need a new pornologist.”
11.
"Name a food that makes a lot of noise when eaten."
"Live children.”
10.
Judge: “due to the amount of evidence brought against you, this court finds you guilty of murder. In accordance to the laws of this state, if you can call Kansas a state, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Now, do you have anything to say?”
Old Man: “Yes, your honor.”
Judge: “what is it?”
Old Man: “Do I have to hang until I’m dead?”
Judge: “of course you do. This is a death sentence!”
Old Man: “But, do I have to hang by the neck? I have an awful lot of neck pain as it is”
9.
"Pooh?", said Piglet.
"Yes, Piglet?", Said Pooh.
"I want to kill you."
8.
Crooks: "We didn't mean anything. Please don't hurt us, Superman!"
Superman: "Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you."
Crooks: "Wheww. Thank God"
Superman. (yells over his shoulder): "Hey, Batman, get in here, will you?"
7.
Horatio Caine to suspect: “We need to know where you were the last 24hours."
Suspect: "I was taking off my pants.”
6.
A defendant is on the stand while on trial for committing murder.
Defense attorney: “Have you ever murdered anyone.”
Defendant: “Do you mean other than myself?”
5.
30 year old male: “I’m not ready to lose my hair. I mean, really.”
God: “Then fucking strap it on, you dickwad.”
4.
Jay Bourne: "I volunteered because I thought our enemies killed my father"
Some random guy who doesn't give a damn: "So, you're saying it's all groovy if it turns out friends killed him?"
3.
Richard: "I was in my kitchen doing my dishes. I heard the doorbell. I thought it was the doorbell but I was uncertain. I mean, it SOUNDED like the doorbell but how could I be sure, after all, I thought I heard it but I didn't SEE it being rung. I pulled on my sleeves and straightened the sides of my tweed suit jacket so I would look presentable and off I went to see if there was someone at the door."
Barbara: "Do you always wear a suit when you wash the dishes?"
Richard: "I said I was doing the dishes. Who said anything about washing them?"
2.
In the apocalypse...
Man: “I’m trying to do everything I can to make sure things get better out here”
Chance encounter: “Oh? What are you doing?”
Man: “I’m killing every person I see so that there will be more zombies. Hang on a moment while I get my knife out.”
1.
Santa: "So, Joey, what do you want for Christmas?"
Joey: "I want you dead!"
Joey pulls a rod but it's a curtain rod. Santa overpowers him and slams the rod into Joey's eye far enough to kill his brain.
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Thus ends the 1st chapter of "The Christmas Dead"
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Santa: "So, Cindy, what do you want for Christmas?"
Cindy: "Your corpse!"
Cindy pulls out a ray-gun and attempts to blast Santa's face off but the ray-gun fails and Santa strangles her with his reindeer beating whip.
Santa: "They never learn. I gave her that toy last year and batteries were not included. Stupid children."
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Thus ends the 2nd chapter of "The Christmas Dead"
