Same as the 1st shorts but without the drool stains.
29.
Well? I’m waiting for some material, you son of a goat breeder.
28.
I’ve decided to become a gun slinger. Most bullets are made of lead and could hurt people by causing lead poisoning so I’m going to make my own bullets out of hemp. I may start a business producing hemp ammo once my gun slinging days are over.
27.
Dear Dad,
If you are reading this letter, it is because I wrote it by using a pencil to draw alphanumeric characters onto a piece of paper. I wrote the characters in specific order and sometimes used punctuation as necessary in order to make it easily legible to more clearly provide you with information.
If you haven't concluded reading this letter, it is because I am still writing. Sometime soon I will stop writing, and you will have nothing more to read.
I hope you understand.
Your son,
That baby your first wife had in 2005
26.
I remember seeing the movies Young Frankenstein, Jaws, 10, Star Wars, and a bunch of others several times in the theater. If you never watched these films in the theater upon their first release, it’s likely because you weren’t born. You may be confused about whether or not you ever were born to begin with.
Well, you needn’t worry. I’ve started a company that is developing birth tests. These tests will inform you whether you’ve been born or not. The tests will be FDA approved and, if you suck at shoplifting, the tests will be covered by most insurance companies.
If you discover you haven’t been born, we will provide experts to give birth to you.
25.
Yesterday, in Dodge City, Festus was paid $10.00 for 3 days work. He painted a barn from sunrise until sunset each day.
Today Doc said he’d pay Festus 20 cents an hour to replace his stairs.
If the sun was up for 14 hours each day for Festus to paint the barn, that means he made about 23 cents an hour.
Festus should tell Doc he wants more money for the stairwell work. If he doesn’t get the bread he deserves, Festus should take a bottle of opium from Doc.
Someday I hope to make 23 cents an hour doing a week of work in 3 days.
24.
Facebook will begin stealing your underwear at midnight tonight if you don't copy and paste this message in the next 37 seconds, forward it to everyone in your mailing list, print a hard copy for your grandmother and call your third grade teacher. This is real. I got the message first hand from Elvis who was having lunch with Bigfoot while riding the Loch Ness monster. It was even on the inside back cover of every tabloid in the grocery store checkout line.
Not only will Facebook start charging you tomorrow, they are also going to bill your credit card for the past 3 years of services. Luckily, each person who copies and pastes this status will receive a FREE unicorn in the mail tomorrow. However, if you don't repost this status, Facebook code has been set up to automatically set your computer on fire and harm an innocent bunny in the forest! It's all true, it was on the news!
23.
Happy Kilmore was found guilty of first degree murder and sentenced to debt.
The judge meant to say "death" but had his financial troubles on his mind and misspoke. Unfortunately for Happy Kilmore, the sentence had to stand as stated and could not be corrected. He found himself immediately released from custody with the responsibility of paying all the bills for everyone ever born.
22.
I took some photos of myself wearing no clothes and sent them out to people in order to solicit them for sex. But, coincidentally, each person so far has turned up in an obituary. That's some bad luck on my part.
21.
In response to covid 19, Jump Cut Productions is reaching out to all of you. We considered giving $700,000 to hospitals and charities, however we came to understand that our company is in the red. Therefore, we are requesting that our loyal customers rent and purchase as many of our productions as possible.
We care.
Thank you for enabling our giving.
Stay safe.
Wear a mask, a helmet, and 15 pairs of pants.
P.S.
There’s a spider on your neck.
20.
Okay. My new Jump Cut production is underway. It’s a story about a dog that is a disgrace to all dogs and lives in shame. The dog is standing around a swamp and senses an alligator nearby. The dog, whose name is Corn, walks into some tall grass and hides in silence while its human roommate calls for it. The human walks down to the swamp calling, “Corn! Corn!”, at which point a giant alligator the size of Nebraska jumps up out of the swamp and munches on the human.
The gator goes back into the water and Corn dog quietly barks so the gator can’t hear and yet it appears to anyone who happens upon the scene that Corn dog tried to save the human who used to feed him crappy leftovers.
Since I’m bored, I’ll finish this up fast. Yet, not fast enough for you to be grateful.
The community catches onto Corn dog’s cowardly behavior and shuns the miserable brute. He spends the rest of the movie trying to redeem his reputation and regain the favor he once enjoyed effortlessly. Owls avoid him and cats spit on him. Eventually, Corn dog is reduced to eating junk dropped near dumpsters. Despite several jobs, he is continually fired. Eventually, he is debased enough to seek the attention of people in their twenties who also lack self-respect.
The sheriff finds Corn dog’s lifeless body. The dog’s not dead. Just emotionally empty and filled with shame. The sheriff buries Corn dog.
Credits roll.
============= WARNING! Viewer depression advised =============
19.
One time I raced a guy for ownership of our vehicles and I beat him so he was supposed to give me the papers to his car. I did win the stupid race.
But the guy drove off after losing.
So I drove around for a while and finally saw him standing by his car. I drove by and shot him. I mean, the guy OWED ME A CAR. The very car he was standing next to when I shot him.
So I shoot the guy and drive off thinking, "what a jerk. He's dead and he could have been alive."
I went home and was eating a banana because that is all i saw lying around when the police show up and were like, "Did you kill that guy?"
So I said yes. I killed him. I explained about how the guy drove off without giving me the damn papers after the race. I asked, "What the hell was I supposed to do?"
This one cop said, "Well, you could have stopped, gotten out of your car and taken his papers from him. Then you'd have a car and you wouldn't be going to prison."
I considered whipping the banana peel in his smart cop face but the other 15 cops had knocked me down and were handcuffing me AS IF I WAS THE BAD GUY!
18.
Detectives asked Ed Rasby to take a polygraph test. He agreed. The results showed Ed Rasby had taken a polygraph test.
17.
Today marks 4 weeks without sugar for me. No meat, dairy, flour, or pasta. I feel great. I haven’t had any nicotine. I haven’t had any alcohol either and I haven’t felt the need for it. The best thing is that my joints are no longer sore and I’m never short of breath. In fact, I’ve had no issues since my burial.
16.
How often do you masturbate?
Is the first question I ask my patients who find it disturbing because I'm a child psychiatrist. My patients are thrown off at being asked the question by a 10 year old.
My response to their consternation is simply, "Idiot, do you think child psychiatry is a motherfucking game!"
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15.
Your account password has changed which is apparently something you should do with your underwear on occasion.
14.
Dear hostages,
A few days ago I was driving my car up the street because I keep getting yelled at when I drive it over peoples’ feet. On the opposite side of the street heading toward me was some old guy on a scooter. Scooter man had a cig hanging out of his mouth and no helmet. The lack of a helmet confused me because I thought all people on a motorized device had to wear helmets. Not that I care.
So this old guy on a scooter with no helmet and a cig hanging from his lips was passing by me. I knocked the cig out of his mouth with my hand and yelled, “This ain’t France!”
I figured I could go back to driving half on the sidewalk since there’re no rules anymore.
13.
I remember 100 years ago when the Covid-19 pandemic started and we had to wear masks. When the vaccination came out, I decided to continue wearing masks even though they aren’t necessary anymore. What happened was that 6 months after wearing masks, I realized I didn’t have to brush my teeth anymore and I have no intention of ever brushing my teeth again. Two days ago, I was outside alone so I removed my mask. A bird that I was watching fell dead from a tree and a squirrel in the same tree started screaming and trying to eat it’s own face but, I’ve saved dozens of dollars on toothpaste and crappy Listerine. Life is good.
12.
I was on the highway earlier today when it occurred to me I had forgotten my car. I got off at the next exit and went home to retrieve it.
11.
I’ve a skull and nothing with which to fill it.
10.
I am really really good at Karate. I learned it when I was 4 years old and practiced daily every day since then. I've had some really good teachers and won a few contests. the FBI hired me to kill CIA agents and Mexican drug lords hired me to defend them from the Colombians. Sure, I'm not perfect. I lost a few fights, but I am good at martial arts, specializing in Karate.
I tell you all this because work has been sporadic lately. I work as a refurbisher of used baby diapers as a profession but the industry has gone to hell since the advent of disposables.
Anyway, I finally found a part time job at a massage parlor. However, I hadn't time to train myself in massaging so I fell back upon karate and broke the spine of my first client. I was shocked. I knew I wouldn't be receiving a tip and I might get reprimanded. I fought my out through the lobby breaking Suzy, the receptionist's, arm and ran away.
The problem is that I still need to find a job. Anyway, I read about an opening in the maternity ward at the hospital. I'll let you know how it works out.
9.
I bought a newspaper for the first time in about 37 years. It contained a story about a married couple selling babies. I didn’t understand why the hell anyone would even want a baby and figured the couple would be out of business soon. Then I realized my dogs were hungry so I put down the newspaper and went to the address where the couple was running their business. The place was totally shut down which pissed me off because I’d been hoping to get some cheap food for my dogs. I picked up the newspaper when I arrived back home and turned to the page where the story had been continued. It turns out the stupid town must have wanted the babies and had the cops take them all away from the couple selling them.
I also got screwed by an article about a couple selling fentanyl. When I arrived at the address, nobody was there.
Why advertise businesses that have been shut down?
I totally hate newspapers.
8.
I was driving and 10 minutes later I realized 10 minutes had passed.
7.
I'm old. So I'm going to take a nap. When I awake, I'll be older, so I'll need another nap.
6.
As many of you know, I have a 2nd job delivering urine for upscale clientele.
This morning I had my first delivery job in a while. I’m not making as much as I thought I would be so I probably won’t be purchasing a second home.
This morning the client insisted on coming along with me and questioned every decision I made concerning how to carry the urine. I probably should have jumped out of my car while driving and shouted, “Deliver your own urine!”
Clients are a headache. But urine is important and the proper handling of it is essential
If not existential.
5.
If you think smoking tobacco won’t kill you then why don’t you ask yourself where everybody is who smoked tobacco in 1911. They’re gone, aren’t they? Where? Dead. Along with everyone who ate chicken legs and everyone who wore leather shoes. Is that what you want? No? Then stop living like people who lived in 1911.
4.
I feel pretty bad. I was driving earlier and hit some people as they walked across the street. As I was laughing, I saw a squirrel run out into the road a bit and I yelled at it, “Get out of the road, you jerk!”
There was no reason to insult the squirrel. No reason at all. I probably will go to bed without dinner. I hope the squirrel is doing okay. I can be a better person.
3.
Dan Diarrhea was running late...
2.
I was born.
If that wasn’t bad enough, I was forced to watch an episode of “Blue Bloods”...
I weep.
1.
Show me someone I don’t want to punch and I’ll show you someone I’ve never met.
Then I’ll punch them. And you.
